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About Everything Wiki » Relationships » I'm afraid of relationships: what is the reason and how to fix it

I'm afraid of relationships: what is the reason and how to fix it

29 May 2023, 13:56, parser
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If you are afraid to enter into a long and lasting relationship, then you already know that such a relationship can bring pain. You are afraid of being rejected or deceived. Psychologists call this approach to relationships Signs of Counter‑Dependency / Gregg Henriques PhD, Psyhology Today counter-dependency. A person suffering from it does not want or cannot trust others, and there may be several reasons for such behavior.

1. Inattention of parents

A person meets with such a scenario in childhood, in the first few years of life.

How the injury appears

The first year of life is the time when a child learns by what rules the world lives and how relationships between people work. He is completely dependent on his parents, and he has very few ways to show what he needs. Adults need to be attentive to understand this.

If parents always react to crying or anxiety, the child understands that the world is a safe place. It is enough to express a need, and relatives will try to help. The main thing is to make sure that you are heard.

If the parents ignore the baby, do not pay attention to the fact that he is very scared, upset or uncomfortable, the child learns: the world does not care about his needs. So, you need to somehow cope yourself. And trying to enter into relationships with others is just wasting your strength.

The next few years may strengthen this attitude towards the world. And to convince that the main thing is to develop your own capabilities, not the ability to interact with people. After all, it is useless to hope for the help of others anyway.

What fears causes

Most of all, a person is afraid of being insufficiently strong, intelligent, and hardy — that is, to be left without funds that will help them cope with problems on their own. He may perceive attempts at rapprochement as another attempt on his resources. After all, he will spend his strength and emotions on something not very important, but they will not be enough for his own needs.

Here are a few signs of The Dangers of Counterdependency – When You Never Need Anyone / Andrea M. Darcy, Harley Therapy, Mental Health Blog counter-dependencies of this type:

  • The desire to control any situation.
  • The need to be sure that you are right.
  • The inability to seek help and thereby recognize their vulnerability.
  • Refusal of the offered help.
  • Striving to be perfect and demanding the same from others.
  • Contempt for those who are weaker.

What to do

If you saw in this description of yourself, first you need to admit that there is a problem. You're really afraid of relationships because you don't want to feel vulnerable. You understand that it is impossible to control the other and the fate of your couple will depend not only on you.

It's worth trying to relax and allow yourself to be imperfect. To begin with, at least in small things.

When you are sure that the world has not collapsed without your control, you can trust him in more. For example, try to rely on a partner sometimes. So, step by step, you can develop the ability to trust another. Then it will be possible to build a really strong relationship.

2. Loss of a loved one

This loss especially strongly affects the child in the first years of life, but even at an older age it can be difficult to get rid of its consequences.

How the injury appears

Everything is fine with the baby: he is growing and developing perfectly, relatives are attentive to him. But then suddenly someone from his family disappears from his life. For example, a divorce happens, and one of the parents leaves home.

The child yearns, worries and cannot understand why the disaster happened and what to do so that it does not happen again. Attentive loved ones can help him get through this crisis. But it often happens that it is difficult for the second parent to cope with emotions himself. He doesn't have the strength to support a child as well.

Then the growing person concludes: the main thing is not to get attached to anyone, then you will not have to suffer. And in the future, he will try not to fall in love and not let into his life someone he can miss very much.

What fears causes

The main fear is to experience the pain of loss once again. A person is afraid to get attached to another person so much that the relationship will become a significant part of life. Therefore, he plunges headlong into work or hobbies. He fills all his free time with sports or social affairs. He tries not to miss a single event of interest to him — an exhibition, a concert, a movie premiere or a football match.

All this is to prove that there are things that are much more interesting than relationships. And one thing can always be replaced by another.

What to do

If this is your portrait, start with the analysis again. Try to understand which hobbies are really important to you, and which ones you are just trying to fill time with.

Find in your worldview and character what you consider the most important. This is the foundation, the core, on which you will always be able to rely, no matter what happens. Try to feel your own worth and self-confidence.

Try to share some of your hobbies with others. And find friends, not just random buddies. So you will make sure that mutual understanding between people is not necessarily total affection.

Try to build a relationship with your partner as an independent and independent person, and not turn yourself or him into a "soul mate". If it is difficult, contact a psychologist.

3. Betrayal in past relationships

You can face such losses at any age.

How the injury appears

A person has relationships that he values very much. A lover appears, meetings with him delight and give happiness. It seems that the partners are open and completely trust each other.

And then betrayal happens. Partner changes or just leaves. It happens that he breaks up a relationship suddenly, not caring how painful the blow will be for the one who stayed.

Then the one or the one who was betrayed and abandoned concludes: you can't trust anyone. Even those who seem close, sincere and pretend to understand you and cherish you.

If in the previous case a person decides that it is not worth getting attached to anyone, in this situation he goes even further. Decides that being sincere is a weakness that will definitely lead to pain and disappointment.

What fears causes

Most of all, a person is afraid of the possibility of becoming vulnerable. That is, to show weakness and open up for a blow. So, he will do everything not to approach anyone. And if contact is unavoidable, then he will put on strong emotional armor and will not give up the mask for anything.

Such a person can say: "I don't need anyone," "I'll do without love — I also have value," "They won't understand me anyway," "There's no one to fall in love with." Sometimes he starts a relationship, but easily changes partners — precisely in order not to let someone get too close.

What to do

If you see a familiar scenario, try to start changing it with little things. For example, at least sometimes to talk about what genuinely excites or pleases you.

Yes, not everyone around will be understanding and responsive. Someone will ignore your words, and someone will not share your opinion.

Try to remind yourself in such situations that you are still safe. Try to feel that your self-esteem depends only on you, and not on the words or silence of another person. Then it will be easier for you to start opening up and building a relationship with a partner.

Yes, it's difficult. And if you feel that you are not coping, be sure to contact a psychologist.

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