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About Everything Wiki » Relationships » 3 questions that will help distinguish true love from the fear of loneliness

3 questions that will help distinguish true love from the fear of loneliness

29 May 2023, 13:56, parser
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Making an effort to find a romantic partner and forcibly creating a relationship that doesn't really exist are very different things. But sometimes we are in such a hurry to find someone or are afraid to be alone that we lose sight of this difference. And then we look back and wonder how we didn't immediately notice that the person doesn't suit us at all.

In order not to repeat such a mistake, it is important to learn immediately, and not years later, to see the difference between a relationship based on true love and a relationship based on the fear of loneliness. Three questions will help in this.

1. Can you be yourself next to this person?

One of the obvious signs of a relationship that is built on fear is unnatural, contrived behavior. Worries about losing a partner make you indulge him in everything. For example, changing your character or sacrificing your values to avoid condemnation.

When you are constantly afraid of being left without a partner, everything you do turns into an act of preserving the relationship, and this prevents you from enjoying the time spent together. Endless adaptation to the expectations of another person makes you ignore your own desires and needs, which can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction and loss of identity.

In a healthy relationship, both partners retain their individuality and support each other. Research shows S. Lavy, M. Mikulincer, et al. Intrusiveness in romantic relationships: A cross‑cultural perspective on imbalances between proximity and autonomy / Journal of Social and Personal Relationships that the balance between intimacy and independence is incredibly important for a harmonious union. At the same time, the relationship, as a rule, deteriorates noticeably when one or more of the following conditions arise and one of the partners:

  • tries to control the other and influence his views;
  • behaves helplessly and has difficulty coping in difficult situations;
  • invades someone else's personal boundaries.

2. Do you need to be around this person all the time to be happy?

Of course, we must find happiness next to those whom we really love. But for some, this happiness becomes an effort and an attempt to avoid the paralyzing fear of loneliness.

If you feel so empty and lost in the absence of a partner that you feel as if you are not able to be happy without him, this may indicate the fear of losing a partner, and not love.

The desire to spend time with a loved one is healthy and appropriate for the development of relationships. The expectation that he will devote all his free time to you is a possible sign that the relationship is based on fear.

Another question worth asking yourself: do you prefer to spend time alone with your partner or in the company of other people? If it is difficult for you to "share" a loved one with others, most likely, you rely too much on him in what is connected with attention to you and your happiness.

3. Is it easy to make you jealous?

Jealousy is another sign that relationships are controlled by fear of loss and a sense of inferiority.

According to research M. Attridge. Jealousy and relationship closeness: Exploring the good (reactive) and bad (suspicious) sides of romantic jealousy / SAGE Open , being jealous from time to time is normal and even useful, because jealousy reminds partners that they should not take each other for granted. It enhances emotions and adds passion in intimate moments.

On the other hand, strong or irrational jealousy arises from the fear that we will be abandoned. Scientists have found out L. M. Rodriguez, A. M. DiBello, et al. The Price of distrust: Trust, anxious attachment, jealousy, and partner abuse / Partner Abuse that a low level of trust in a loved one can make people with an anxious type of attachment jealous, dig into their partner's things and even use psychological violence.

Self-doubt in a more general sense can develop in us paranoia associated with the fear of losing a partner. This only fuels the toxicity that leads to relationship problems.

When we desperately need a person, we tend to make hasty decisions. It is difficult to wait for the right moment to start a relationship, but it is this path that leads to a relationship based on true love and common interests, and not the fear of being left alone.

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