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No matter what we do — answer emails, load the dishwasher or spend time on social networks — our brain is constantly working. Professor Malody Wilding, who studies human behavior, says that sometimes such unproductive thoughts occupy us no more than the quiet hum of the refrigerator, and sometimes they completely absorb attention.
At the same time, background thoughts can both lift us to new heights and lower us to the bottom. Wilding identifies several particularly dangerous patterns of thinking that prevent us from being effective.
He makes us see the most different extremes in the situation without any golden mean. Imagine that you are facing an important task, and one of your first thoughts is "If I fail, then I am a loser." This is a standard example of such a pattern of thinking.
Often the principle of "all or nothing" manifests itself in the belief that it is necessary to achieve the maximum in something in order for it to become a part of life. Let's say you come up with recipes for healthy and delicious homemade dishes and want to share them with the whole world. However, you think that you can't just post them on social networks. First you need to become a certified healthy lifestyle specialist and a professional chef. Only then will you get the right to publish your recipes.
Wilding believes that the truth is somewhere in between. It is not necessary to unnecessarily complicate or simplify the situation. Each individual case has its own nuances, and a radical view of the problem is unlikely to help solve it.
This pattern acts in much the same way as "all or nothing" — it brings the situation to the maximum. But there is a difference between these models of thinking. If the "all or nothing" approach applies to a specific situation, then the generalization turns into a global template. For example, if there were questions for your last working presentation, you may have the idea that the next one will be a failure.
Meanwhile, generalization is never true. When you notice that you are starting to think this way, Wilding advises you to stop, take a deep breath and look at the facts. Yes, perhaps the last presentation did not go as well as you wanted. But thanks to this, you will surely prepare for the next one especially hard. Right?
Past failures do not determine your future. And you can change the scenario of your thinking to abandon this unproductive pattern.
This pattern of thinking is especially common among people with low self-esteem. Imagine that you have worked long and hard on a project and it is finally completed. A colleague tells you that you did a great job and did a great job. And in response, you are embarrassed and say that this is the result of team efforts and you have nothing to do with it at all.
The inability to accept compliments is one of the manifestations of this pattern of thinking. Malody Wilding gives another example: when you do something well, but tell yourself that anyone could have done it.
To combat this setup, Wilding advises creating your own "collection of show-offs". Set aside time every day or every week to record your wins. They do not necessarily have to be associated with outstanding achievements. These may be moments when you defended your opinion in a difficult dispute or tried to do something outside of your comfort zone. Over time, you will learn to appreciate yourself and your abilities.
When we react emotionally to a situation and then analyze our behavior, we fully trust our feelings and consider them absolutely true.
For example, you feel that you are not suitable for a certain job. And it seems to you that this is true, because it's not for nothing that you feel all this. Or you finally mark the boundaries in a relationship with a person who has constantly violated your personal space. And then you feel guilty and start thinking, "I probably shouldn't have done that."
But our emotions do not always accurately reflect who we are and what is happening in our lives. Wilding advises coping with such impulses in the following way. Set timer for any interval from 90 seconds to 30 minutes. During this period, allow yourself to feel any emotions — sadness, guilt, anxiety or anything else. As soon as the time runs out, pull yourself together and move on. This will help to throw out emotions right away, instead of worrying all day.
Statements with the word "should" are based on our expectations. Let's say you can't figure out the economic issues that you need to solve at work. At some point, you will probably have the thought "I have to learn this right now."
Wilding advises analyzing where expectations come from in our head, which we then formulate with the word "should". Maybe the boss, a loved one or parents are waiting for this from us.
Carefully study your internal attitudes and think about how they appeared in your head and whether they prevent you from living the way you want. Instead of focusing on what you can't do, focus on what you can do.
It is almost impossible to completely get rid of dangerous patterns that are firmly entrenched in the brain. But that doesn't mean we should let them get the better of us. We can learn to notice their manifestations in time and deal with them. A little practice and negative attitudes will change to positive ones.
