At crucial moments of life, the question "Who am I?" sounds obsessively in our head. Answering it, we are more guided by the usual dogmas of society: gender, social status, norms and rules. Society determines our actions and imposes mass values.
But the true self is formed outside of society and, according to Irina Khakamada, makes up at best 30% of the personality. These are our personal life guidelines, which are hidden deep in the subconscious mind under a layer of social attitudes. But they are the ones who give us the inner support. If we do not deviate from the set guidelines, even in exchange for financial benefits, for example, we follow a developed decision never to go over our heads for career purposes or not to cheat even with the best intentions, we gain resilience and self-confidence.
The new book by the life coach is devoted to how to find this inner support in order to stand in the flow of constant chaos and fuss.
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The difference between self-esteem and self-confidence is huge. Confidence is based on experience: once we have achieved success, it means that we will most likely be able to do it again. Self—esteem is love and self-respect a priori, without regard to achievements. But it is difficult to achieve such consciousness. It seems to us that without a bright appearance and significant results, we have little weight in this world. Low self-esteem brings with it a feeling of hopelessness and oppression, anger and anxiety.
The founder of cognitive behavioral therapy, David Burns, is sure that all these emotions live in the head and depend on thoughts, which means that you can improve your life by changing your perception. To combat low self-esteem and impostor syndrome, an American psychiatrist has developed his own program to restore mental balance.
This program was tested on patients and formed the basis of the step-by-step practical guide "Healthy Self-esteem". Each chapter of the book reveals one of the negative attitudes, and also includes a diagnosis of well-being using proven tests and ready-made exercises to change the way of thinking.
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In another book, David Burns compares self-esteem with a magnifying glass: the worse we think about ourselves, the more acutely we perceive absolutely natural mistakes and misconduct. This feeds a negative attitude towards yourself and turns you into a victim.: we convince ourselves that we are not smart enough, beautiful and talented enough and are unlikely to be able to cope with circumstances. Such thoughts are destructive. And the lower the self-esteem, the bigger the consequences.
To change the situation, you need to re—evaluate your opinion of yourself, carefully listening to the arguments in favor of your worthlessness: are they based on logic or solely on emotions? Does today's lack of motivation mean that we will never feel the urge to achieve things again; does the recent failure of the deadline really indicate that we have never solved the task on time?
In the book Mood Therapy, David Burns provides specific tools for dealing with depressive thoughts: from conversations with an internal critic to finding true problems.
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It is very important not to confuse self-esteem and self-image. The latter is an idea of how we look in the eyes of other people: what kind of appearance we have, what kind of character, what are our strengths and weaknesses.
The self-image is based on facts and is completely neutral. Self—esteem gives it a positive and negative connotation - the emotional perception of one's own actions and thoughts. The more rational a person is, the faster they can put aside emotions and focus on the actual self‑image, the more stable their self-perception is.
Fortunately, stability can be achieved. Psychotherapist Ekaterina Sigitova applied professional knowledge to personal experience of overcoming low self‑esteem due to congenital skin disease and developed a universal scheme of healthy self‑esteem. It is built on the acceptance of all its features through constant dispassionate observation and habituation. The book "Recipe for Happiness" is a ready—made instruction on how to achieve an idyll with yourself.
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Often low self-esteem hides banal shame: for actions and thoughts, for made and undone choices, for weaknesses. Psychologist Ilse Sand, who worked as a clergyman for many years, listened to many confessions about shame and pain and was more than once ashamed of her vulnerability. After that, she wrote a book about the nature of this feeling, its possible scope and consequences.
In her opinion, shame is not always harmful. For example, it protects against gluttony and motivates you to work on your shortcomings. But more often, shame prevents a person from acting guided by free will, forces him to voluntarily place himself in the narrow framework of public opinion and engage in self-flagellation. With low self-esteem, the feeling of shame can consume us, so it is important to learn how to work with it.
The first reaction to a "shameful" act is to forget about it as soon as possible. Ilse Sand advises to do the opposite and work out the situation. Understanding what causes shyness will increase self-esteem, reduce fear of emotion and give strength not to succumb to it next time. To understand whether shame prevents you or there is nothing to worry about, it is worth taking the test that the author gives at the end of the book.
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Fear and confidence are two sides of the same coin, and everyone has the right to decide which one to choose. Caroline Foren, a communications specialist, is sure of this. After experiencing an acute anxiety disorder, she moved on to the next step — gaining self-confidence. Caroline has collected the best tools that helped her believe in herself and bravely face mental difficulties in a book.
Among the methods there are those that will allow you to crack the fear of failure from the inside, those that will teach you how to get around it, and those that will explain how to turn fear into a springboard to success. The author also gives advice on how to learn to perceive failure without attributing it to the imperfections of your personality, and to see its objective causes. After all, it is this ability that distinguishes low self-esteem from healthy self-esteem.
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