Many are sure that as soon as an outrageous comment is made in the company, they will immediately wittily silence the offender. Unfortunately, in reality, not everyone can boast of such a reaction.
One of the main reasons is the fear of possible consequences. If I tell the boss that he is behaving incorrectly, I will definitely lose my promotion. And if I bring up this topic during a family meal, I will never be invited to visit again. No one wants to complicate their lives.
Another, no less significant reason is the uncertainty of interpretation, that we understand the situation correctly. Was it a bad joke or a rude comment? Is this a petty quarrel that got out of control, or a manifestation of domestic violence? We don't want to seem stupid or overly vulnerable, so we rarely stand up for ourselves or others in uncertain circumstances.
Sociologists have repeatedly confirmed that we react more actively in unambiguous situations. In the course of one study R. D. Clark, L. E. Word. Why don’t bystanders help? Because of ambiguity? / Journal of Personality and Social Psychology scientists compared reactions to vague and definite signals for help. In the first case, the participants in the experiment heard a loud sound in the next room, in the second it was accompanied by a moan of pain. And in the latter situation, people were much more likely to rush to the rescue.
The lack of active action under uncertain circumstances is partly due to worries that others will judge us. This explains why only 19% intervene R. L. Shotland, M. K. Straw. Bystander response to an assault: When a man attacks a woman / Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in a confrontation between a man and a woman when she shouts: "I shouldn't have married you!" At the same time, if she exclaims: "I don't know you!", 65% are already trying to help. The internal conflict between two strangers makes us feel embarrassed and awkward, so we try not to get involved in someone else's personal life.
The natural human impulse when faced with an uncertain situation is to monitor the reaction of others. But the problem is that no one wants to be the first to enter into conflict, so we all expect someone else to do it. Unfortunately, with such a development of events, rude behavior remains unpunished and repeats itself again.
But there is also good news — learning to stand up for yourself and protect others in conflict situations will help a few simple methods.
This will prevent you from slipping into lecturing or humiliating another person. The task in this case is to note that everything that is happening is wrong for both the aggressor and the observers.
During one study L. R. Martinez, M. R. Hebl. Standing up and speaking out against prejudice toward gay men in the workplace / Journal of Vocational Behavior its authors studied reactions to homophobic comments in the work team. It turned out that the most effective were calm and straightforward remarks, for example: "Hey, this is not cool."
This approach can be used in almost any situation. Open disapproval shows the aggressor that his behavior is unacceptable, and this is the first step towards creating healthy social norms.
Sometimes it disarms the interlocutor. Let's say your colleague makes a sexist comment in the style of "A woman can't be a good boss." The answer to this is: "I know you're just trying to be funny. Although, imagine, there are people who really think that women are too emotional for high positions!"
Such a reaction will show that you disagree with the comment, but will not offend the other person.
Facts from your life are suitable for this. For example, if you are uncomfortable with some kind of conversation about religion, you can answer as follows: "I am a believer, and I would not like to hear this." This way you will show the interlocutor that his remarks are inappropriate, but you will not get personal.
It is not enough to study all kinds of techniques, they must be applied in life. This will help to cope with embarrassment, build self-confidence and behave naturally during conflicts.
According to Stanford University sociologist Doug McAdam, we are much more likely to challenge social norms, even at risk to ourselves, if we are not alone. Changes very often start with one or more people. People see their courage and join them. That is why it is easier for us to protect ourselves and others when we feel the strong shoulder of a loved one next to us.
It is much easier to decide to fight back against bullies if you put yourself in the place of a person who is being bullied. Some of us are empathic by nature. If you are not like that, try to train this quality in yourself. After all, if you yourself became the object of ridicule or physical force, wouldn't you want someone to support you? Try to become such a person for others.
Each of us can learn to stand up for ourselves and others. And the more often we do this, the more situations in which silence and inaction in society will be replaced by courage.
