A stop word is used when one of the partners wants to suspend the process for some reason. Maybe the movements have become too intense, the person is physically uncomfortable or hurt, the partner has crossed the line in a role‑playing game, or some zone receives too much stimulation. In any of these cases, you can say a safe word ‑ the partner will immediately stop.
Stop words came from BDSM culture and are often associated with unusual types of sex. But the ability to quickly signal discomfort is always useful. It doesn't matter what went wrong: bondage or missionary position. Whoever your partner is, no matter how long you have been together, no matter what kind of sex you have been engaged in — you have the right to ask for a time‑out at any time.
You can take a clear option with traffic light colors for everyone. In a fit of passion, it will be easier to remember something familiar, and the difference between red and yellow is clear to everyone. For example, say "red" when you want to stop the current action, and "stop red" when you need to stop everything altogether.
If you wish to come up with something else, consider a few important points. First, the word should be well remembered and easy to pronounce. Secondly, it should be something that you are unlikely to say during sex. You can take the name of a food product or an item that you do not associate with intimacy. For example, Reddit users offer options such as "mayonnaise", "spaghetti", "Armageddon" and "teletubby". Or use a joke that only you two can understand to lighten the atmosphere.
If you are not a fan of talking during sex or you are uncomfortable saying such a word out loud, come up with some kind of gesture or other physical signal. For example, pat on the shoulder, wink, snap your fingers or even mumble a simple melody. Choose something simple and understandable so that your partner can easily notice your signal. Like a word, it has to be something you don't normally do during sex.
Don't say it for nothing. "A safe word has a certain weight," says Lola Jean, a specialist in sex education and dominatrix. — If you said it, it means that the matter is serious. It means, "Come on, slow down and make sure I'm okay!“»
After you choose a safe word, do not forget to discuss exactly how it will be applied in your pair. This is usually a signal meaning "Stop right now". But you can agree that in such a circumstance, the partner will need to move away from you or, conversely, hug and calm down. Using a safe word, you temporarily withdraw your consent to sex. However, the partner should not be offended or upset. You don't permanently deny him intimacy, but just take a time out.
If the need to use a conditional sign has arisen because the partner has crossed your personal boundaries, be sure to discuss with him exactly what you feel and what you need to make sex feel comfortable and safe again. Don't forget that boundaries exist for a reason, and saying a stop word won't make you weak.
