The toxicity of older family members manifests itself in different ways. They can turn relatives against each other, choose their favorites, emotionally manipulate children or grandchildren, and sometimes even allow themselves offensive and derogatory comments. At the same time, it can be difficult to identify unhealthy behaviors in relationships with parents who have become grandparents. If they raised us, their manner of behavior seems familiar and natural to us. But this does not mean that the situation cannot be changed, and here's what you can do to start.
We often assume that the many years of parenting experience that grandparents acquired while raising their children means that they are always right. Or at least that they have enough skills to not doubt their behavior. But in fact, emotional "blind spots" can prevent us or our partner from noticing when something goes wrong or conditions for resentment and manipulation are created in the family.
Discuss with your partner any moments in the communication between grandparents and grandchildren that seem questionable or unpleasant to you. If you think that you or your partner may be biased, talk about the situation with a third person, such as a close friend or a psychologist. This will allow you to take a neutral look at the conflict and untangle the tangle of conflicting emotions.
In our childhood, our parents could tell us that we live in their house, which means we have to behave according to their rules. Now that we are adults, they should follow the rules that we set in our home and adhere to the principles of education that we choose for our children.
The boundaries you have set can relate to anything from a ban on talking about politics and watching certain programs to the amount of sweets you allow your child to give per day. The main thing is to make sure that the rules are firm and understandable, and their source is not irritation or anger. The more calmly and clearly you express your position, the easier it will be for you to protect your borders when they try to violate them.
Sometimes grandparents like to come to visit without warning, which puts you in an awkward position and causes unnecessary anxiety. Make an action plan in advance for such situations and clearly communicate your attitude to them to your older relatives. For example, immediately let them know how much time you are ready to spend with them, or discuss when to schedule the next family meeting so that everyone is comfortable.
You have set boundaries and come up with a plan, but no matter what you do, anxiety, anger and depression still overtake you every time your child's grandparents come to visit. The next step in this case, unfortunately, is either to limit contacts or to cut them off permanently if the relationship becomes unbearably toxic. It is not easy to completely stop communicating, because it causes a new range of emotions, including feelings of loss and grief. Therefore, you may also need the support of a psychologist here.
If you do not want to deprive your grandchildren of communication with your grandparents and you are ready for another attempt, change the situation gradually. Both you and your partner and your parents will most likely need time to analyze the situation and realize your mistakes. Therefore, you should not rush, otherwise you risk recreating old patterns of behavior, instead of starting all over again.
