Sometimes it seems as if you are not talking to a person, but to a wall. The interlocutor does not ask any questions and answers in monosyllables, so it is unclear why to develop the conversation at all. A possible explanation for why such frustrating dialogues arise was suggested by a young doctor of sciences Adam Mastroianni, who is engaged in research at Columbia University Business School. He wrote an interesting essay A. Mastroianni. Good conversations have lots of doorknobs / Experimental History , in which he presented his classification of interlocutors.
Adam Mastroianni identified two types: "giver" and "taker". The "giver" perceives the conversation as a sequence of invitations to exchange remarks, the "taker" — as a sequence of unilateral statements.
If the conversation involves the same type of interlocutors, as a rule, everything goes well. Problems begin when interlocutors of different types communicate with each other according to the usual scheme, where the "giver" gives and the "taker" receives. In such a situation, the first one may be offended: "Why doesn't he ask a single question?" And the second one, meanwhile, can enjoy the conversation: "She probably thinks I'm a very interesting person!" Or, conversely, get annoyed: "I have the most boring job in the world. Why does he keep asking about her?"
In other words, the "giving" interlocutor usually asks more questions, because he believes that this is how a good conversation is built. "Taker" — I am sure that it is better to communicate with affirmative sentences in order to make conversation interesting.
In addition to the above, there are several other criteria that will help you figure out who you are:
People may hold different views on the culture of communication, but everyone wants to be noticed. Try switching between two styles depending on the needs of the person with whom you want to build a dialogue. If it is important for your interlocutor to be asked questions, take on the role of a "giver". If you feel that it is inconvenient for him to talk a lot about himself, become a "taker".
When you are talking to someone who is formally below you in status, for example, with a subordinate, it is easiest to take the position of "taker" and allow the interlocutor to ask questions. But in this case, communication can end very quickly. Therefore, if you speak from the position of a leader, it is important to train the skills of a "giver" in yourself: ask questions and give replicas that the interlocutor can answer, invite to a dialogue, and then listen.
Neither the "giver" nor the "taker" type of interlocutor is inherently bad. This classification helps to become a more conscious speaker and a thoughtful listener. No matter what type you are, you have a lot to learn from the opposite side. Both are wrong. The "giver" is mistaken, believing that asking questions means being generous, and does not take into account that this can tire the interlocutor. The "taker" mistakenly thinks that his statements are always interesting.
In different situations, each of the types can cause a different reaction. For example, if you strive to be the center of attention, the "taker" will annoy you. But when you want to stay in the shadows, you will appreciate his contribution to the conversation.
Both "givers" and "takers" should learn to recognize peculiar "points of opportunity" in the dialogue, which help to keep the conversation in an exciting form. If you are a "taker", ask the interlocutor questions that he wants to answer. This will make the conversation unpredictable and exciting, and you will learn more about what the other person thinks and feels.
If, on the contrary, you are a "giver", stop asking questions and take on the role of a "taker", answering the interlocutor's remarks. This way you will reduce the pressure on yourself and will not drag the whole dialogue on yourself.
In addition, being a "giver" who begins to "take" more in conversation is a good way to test the relationship for strength. If a loved one constantly talks only about himself, do the same. You will immediately understand how much he is interested in and values you. If the "taker" ignores any attempts to translate the conversation from his side to yours, it's time to end all conversations and start communicating with someone else.
