If you believe the driver's license that got into the frame in one of the episodes, Homer Simpson is already 65 years old. It's time to share worldly wisdom.

About self-development

Kids, you tried your best and still failed. Conclusion: never try.
Son, if you really want to achieve something in life, you will have to work hard on it. And now be quiet: the winning lottery numbers are about to be announced.
All my life I had one dream: to achieve all my goals.
If it is difficult to do something, then you should not do it.
If it didn't work out the first time, give up.
Diligence is the first step to failure.
No matter how good you are at something, there are always a million people who do it even better.
Beer is the cause and solution of all life's problems.
Books are useless! I've only read one—To Kill a Mockingbird—and I never got any idea how to kill mockingbirds. Of course, she taught me not to judge a person by the color of his skin, but what good did she give me?
Son, this is the only time I'm going to say this. Losing is not good.
It's not easy to be torn between a pregnant wife and a restless child , but I still found my eight hours watching TV.
The only way to make everyone think good of you is to make everyone think bad of themselves. I'm tired of giving everyone the pleasure of thinking well of myself.

About career achievements

There are three phrases that you have to carry with you through life. The first: "Cover me." The second: "Oh, great idea, boss!" The third: "When I came, it was already like this."
If something goes wrong at work, blame it all on the guy who doesn't speak English.
I think Smithers hired me for my ability to motivate others. Now that I'm around, everyone says they need to work twice as hard.
Kill the boss?! Will I raise my hand to fulfill the American dream?
You don't like your job, but you don't go on strikes. You go to work every day and do it somehow. This is the American way.
Did you fall asleep at the meeting? I wasn't sleeping, I was drunk.
Work is work. Take me, for example. If my factory pollutes the water and poisons the city, according to your logic, I must be a criminal.
Marge: "Homer, the factory called. They say if you don't come tomorrow, you don't have to show up on Monday." Homer: "Yoo-hoo! Four days off!"
You can work at several jobs at the same time and still be lazy.
Give a man a fish and he will be full all day. Teach a person to fish, and he will certainly hook on the eyelid or something like that.

About family values

Marge, there are two people involved in lying. One to lie, and one to listen.
Son, the main thing in sports is not winning or losing. The main thing is to get drunk.
Space aliens! Please don't eat me! I have a wife and children. Eat them!
Old people don't need company. They need to be isolated and studied to find out if there are any substances useful for us in them.
Bart, with $10,000 we would be millionaires! We could buy anything, like... love!
Marge, don't bother the boy! It is important to learn how to avoid obligations. This is what distinguishes us from animals.
So, it's one o'clock in the morning. It's better to go home and spend some time with the kids.
The schoolyard code, Marge! Rules that make a man out of a boy. Let's see... don't gossip. Always make fun of those who are different from you. Never say anything until you're sure everyone else is thinking the same thing as you. What else?..
Just because I'm not worried doesn't mean I don't understand.
Dad, you've done a lot of good things in life, but you're very old, and old people are useless.
I see the smiles of my children. And I understand that they are up to something bad.
My mother once said one thing that haunts me. She said: "Homer, you're a big disappointment." She meant something.
My father never believed in me. I will not repeat his mistakes: from today on, I will be softer with my son. And tougher with my father.
Dad wanted to say that family is a coffin, and children are nails in its lid.

About love

You know, boys, the nuclear reactor is like a woman. You just need to read the instructions and press the right button in time.
Son, women are like beer. They smell good, they look good, and you're willing to step over your own mother just to get them. But don't stop at one.
When it comes to compliments, women become irrepressible blood-sucking monsters and demand more, more and more. But if you satisfy their desire, the payment will be sweet.
If a woman says that everything is so, then everything is wrong. And if she says that everything is wrong, then everything is not right at all.
I'm not going to share a bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy. Let him make a sofa in the living room. I want to sleep.
Marge, I don't want to scare you, but I think I love you...

About money

Oh no! What have I done! I broke my little boy's piggy bank! And for what? Just a few pitiful cents, not even enough for one beer. Wait a minute, let me count it and make sure... not even close.
It's okay, don't panic. If anything, I will earn money by selling one of my kidneys. I don't need both anyway.
A fool and money part quickly. I would pay a lot to someone who would explain this pattern to me.

About philosophy, religion and education

I'm not a bad guy! I work a lot, I love my children. So why should I spend half my Sunday listening about how I'm going to hell?
What's the point of leaving the house? We still come back every time.
Stupid risk gives life meaning.
Of course, everything will seem bad if you remember this.
I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually bring results.
And when will I finally understand this? The solution to all life problems is not at the bottom of the bottle, but in the TV!
How can education make me feel smarter? Every time I remember something, it takes up space, pushing something old out of my brain. Like the time I went to a wine course and then forgot how to drive a car.
People can come up with any statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know this.
The facts are absolutely meaningless. You can use facts to prove any tall tale.

About important things in life

Being popular is the most important thing in the world.
Beer… My only weakness. My Achilles heel, if you will.
You can't constantly blame yourself for something. Blame yourself once and move on with your life.
To be loved, you have to be nice to everyone every day. To be hated, you don't have to strain at all.
From now on, I will look forward to everything. Oh my God! Tomorrow there will be a special promotion: two piano benches for the price of one! Oh, oh, oh, tomorrow would be soon!
Do I have to do anything for that?