Olga Primachenko, a journalist and author of the bestseller "Tenderly to yourself", has published a new book — "It's all over, but you're not." In it, the author tells how to carefully support yourself if you are going through hard times.
With the permission of the Bombora publishing house, we publish an excerpt from the chapter "Letting go of the non—accidental" - about how to part with the exhausted past and gradually get out of a state when you don't want anything.
Accept the idea that you've done everything you can. And what they didn't do, they couldn't do. I understand how you want to believe that we are able to prevent, prevent, and avoid trouble, but we cannot influence much of what happens to us or to our loved ones. There is someone else's will and someone else's choices, someone else's limitations and our own limits. The thread of another person's fate is not in our hands, and it is not for us to decide when it will end. […]
Respect the winter of oblivion. Dear memories will fade, bright pictures will fade with time. Don't be angry with yourself for forgetting and confusing things that you never seemed to forget. This is how life and time work. This is necessary, among other things, in order not to remain in the captivity of the past to the detriment of life here and now. Nothing can be fixed there anymore, but today there is still a lot that can be changed.
"Life will always find its way." Two days later, the mown garden is full of daisies, tulips sprout through a thick layer of rubble, and a pickled tomato thrown into the trash is suddenly covered with a delicate green growth sprouting from its seeds. All living things want to live, I tell my son, showing these wonders. And I continue: and he will look for a way to do it.
Connect with the power that has always brought you back to life, lean on it. She has saved you more than once — she will not let you down now. It can be an unquenchable optimism inherited from my grandmother, everyday pragmatism and physical endurance from my father, an amazing sense of opportunity or the ability to think faster and wider than others get. This gift was given to you not to know about it, but to use it.
Pay attention to what arouses your interest, do not take a sudden burst of curiosity for an accident. Handmade ceramics? Minimalistic interiors? Bookstores? Poetry? Texts? What makes you seem to wake up and forget about hardships for a moment? It's not just a spark of inspiration — it's a beacon that indicates: This way for you. Investigate what's hiding there: most likely, something that comes into contact with your abilities and talents, which means that it can be the beginning of a new road or give such a necessary impulse to "want to live."
Think about what in your life it's time to say: "Fuck it all." Sometimes, in order to let go of the past, you need to get really angry: it is the energy of anger that will give you the strength to finish what has been dragging on and taking out your soul for ages. Other people's grievances, unfounded claims, it is unknown how many frozen projects and plans — let them go through the woods and never come back.
Write out your anger, give it space. Throw out the sore on the paper, it will accept everything. You do not need to reread what you get, try to write clearly and coherently, send it to someone you are angry with. Just write, write, write until you feel relieved or tears come. Anger has a huge potential to awaken from sleep, to consciously turn from death to life. This is a powerful wave capable of washing ashore after many days of sluggish wallowing in the sea of apathy.
There is one wonderful therapeutic phrase in psychology‑the attitude: the way out "from" lies "through".
It is impossible to come to your senses after experiencing a loss or separation, with a wave of a magic wand: whoosh — and it doesn't hurt.
To be in this "does not hurt", you need to live days beyond which nothing is visible. To live through feelings that you don't even know exist in yourself. Cry out liters of tears. And, of course, give yourself time for this transition: through a dark forest, through a scorched field, through a dead river.
The morning fog will muffle the sounds, wrap them in a blanket of oblivion. Hug with one hand, open tightly with the other clenched fists. Don't hold, don't, let go, relax your arm. Let what has to go go away.
At the moment of transition, you need to carefully choose what to go to the other side with. It is important not to take too much into the bag: so as not to break under its weight on the road, so that the latter does not become a punishment, so that at some point you do not want to give up everything and turn back in despair.
While the new is being born, the old inevitably dies. And that's why this transition is so painful: a person understands what he is saying goodbye to and what he has already lost, but still does not fully realize what he has gained and what he has become richer in ...
"Everything will end, but you won't" is a book that will help you find support if the familiar world suddenly collapsed. She will tell you how to survive the death of a loved one, separation, emigration and other life changes and not lose yourself.
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