Svetlana Komissaruk, PhD and professor at Columbia University, believes that such perfectionism is especially characteristic of the "sandwich" generation — people aged 45 to 60 years. And she is also convinced that it is quite possible to cope with this syndrome.
Her book, "The Sandwich Generation". Forgive parents, understand children and learn to take care of yourself" was published by Bombora Publishing house. With his permission, Lifehacker publishes an excerpt from Chapter 11, which tells about the excellent student syndrome.
If you calmly understand, then perfectionism and attention to the assessment of others is not so bad. Excellent students respond honestly and quickly to constructive criticism and take responsibility for the mistake. It is convenient and reliable with such people. They are obligatory, bring the work started to the end, are not arrogant and not narcissistic. They act decently, attentive to the needs of others. In general, almost perfect. Why change it?
The problem is that in the soul of such an excellent student there is an eternal dreary self—doubt, self-eating and constant fear of exposure: "If others only knew what I really am, they would not want to deal with me and I would be left naked, like that king in Andersen's fairy tale. What if I can't do it? Maybe it's better not to start? My victory is really nothing, but those and those really did it, and my achievements can be easily and quickly devalued. I myself can easily cope with this depreciation without waiting for exposure ..."
What can I say? People who are perfect in the eyes of others, inside, alone with themselves, can be very bad. And, with rare exceptions, dissatisfaction with oneself becomes chronic.
However, there is also good news here: since it is necessary to cope with the syndrome of an excellent student and low self—esteem by working only with ourselves, this task is within our power. After all, we are talking about an internal change that depends entirely on us. No one will give us deliverance, as they say. What should we do if we are subject to the excellent student syndrome and it poisons our lives?
You need to start with a paradoxical step. We need to start with full agreement that our inner critic , who claims that we have something to expose and that we are not as perfect as it seems... is right. Accept that we really are not excellent students. We are not coping one hundred percent. We are lazy, we cut corners, violate standards and do not finish the job. We're just people.
Try telling yourself this out loud (preferably without extra ears). What is happening to you? Perhaps you will feel fear. You may want to argue and justify yourself. Perhaps your hands will drop and you will fall into despondency and indifference. All this is normal. This is your reaction to your assessment. Something can and should be changed here. It does not depend on anyone else, only on you: to raise your self-esteem and react to your imperfection calmly.
Radical adoption More about the technique of radical acceptance: Linehan M. Cognitive behavioral therapy of borderline personality disorder. Kyiv: Williams, 2020 the fact that you are just a person, with your cockroaches, laziness and imperfection, is the first and main step in overcoming the excellent student syndrome. Acceptance of what sometimes turns out to be a c. That sometimes you make mistakes. Sometimes big mistakes. And maybe they will happen again. Because you are only human.
But how then to get rid of the habitual desire to do everything for five, which is so harmful and tormenting? How to stop stretching on tiptoe and stand on a full foot? It is not necessary to get rid of the desire to do perfectly. You just need to choose from all your roles and tasks exactly the one that really requires perfectionism.
After all, of course, we all want to see our doctor, or financier, or architect, or pilot only as a perfectionist. But at the same time, no one needs to be an excellent student in everything! Everyone can choose their battles. And that's where to direct all your efforts, allowing yourself to lower the bar in other areas. And nothing will happen.
And self-esteem in the area that is important to us will deservedly rise. After all, you don't need to succeed everywhere and at once. By the way, we can also change the choice of the area in which we need to push up now, putting aside everything else. This is our decision, our assessment, and therefore it also depends only on us. No matter what the people around us tell us and no matter what rotten apples they throw at us.
By giving yourself the right to make a mistake, you will gradually become kinder to yourself. You will become more forgiving of your weaknesses and shortcomings. To such people, and not at all to chronic excellent students, others are drawn. After all, next to a person who admits his shortcomings and allows himself a mistake, you can also not stand on tiptoe and not strive for perfection. And also be real, not cardboard examples of winners from the Soviet pioneer poster.
Your children will be calmer to tell you about their failures, because they will understand: everyone happens, even parents. Your daughter, instead of a hereditary sense of duty and anxiety, will become a "good enough mom," according to the ingenious expression of Winnicot This term was first introduced by the wonderful child psychologist and doctor Donald Woods Winnicott. See his book "Little children and their mothers" (Moscow: Publishing house "Klass", 2016) . She may not always have the perfect order, as you once had. But she will sleep while the child sleeps, and will take him in her arms and rejoice in him. And the child will feel that mom is calm and the world is safe. Only by recognizing our imperfection and coming to terms with it, we will finally stop inheriting the excellent student syndrome.
Svetlana Komissaruk analyzes in detail all aspects of the life of representatives of the sandwich generation and gives practical advice based on experience and modern psychological research.
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