It would seem that a quarrel is not the best reason to have sex, but intimacy after a conflict is quite common.
Some people do experience increased sexual attraction after a vivid emotional quarrel. First, during conflict, the neurotransmitter norepinephrine is produced, which increases sexual arousal. Secondly, during a quarrel, people often do not restrain their emotions, and therefore it is easier for them to relax in sex.
In addition, this way people effectively reduce stress, which can go off the scale during a tense confrontation. In one small study, we found out T. Ein‑Dor, G. Hirschberger. Sexual healing: Daily diary evidence that sex relieves stress for men and women in satisfying relationships / Journal of Social and Personal Relationships that intimacy helps people feel better after a conflict, and not only that day, but also the next. However, this only works for those who are satisfied with the relationship.
And finally, sex after a quarrel can be a kind of reconciliation ritual, through which partners try to get closer again after a breakup. During orgasm, people of both sexes increase N. Magon, S. Kalra. The orgasmic history of oxytocin: Love, lust, and labor / Indian journal of endocrinology and metabolism the production of the hormone oxytocin, which has a calming effect and acts S. B. Algoe, L. E. Kurtz, K. Grewen. Oxytocin and Social Bonds: The Role of Oxytocin in Perceptions of Romantic Partners’ Bonding Behavior / Psychological science like "rose-colored glasses", softening the reaction to the partner's behavior.
Thus, sexual arousal after a quarrel can be explained both by affect and emotional storm, as well as by the desire to calm down and restore the shattered well-being in the couple.
Although sex after a quarrel may be perceived more vividly, this is not a universal rule for everyone. Moreover, against the background of conflict, people may develop anxiety and distrust towards a partner, which negatively affect libido. This is especially true for women.
In a study on sex after stress, scientists noted T. Ein‑Dor, G. Hirschberger. Sexual healing: Daily diary evidence that sex relieves stress for men and women in satisfying relationships / Journal of Social and Personal Relationships that men are more likely to use intimacy to relieve tension than women. And most of all, those who are unhappy with their relationship.
There is an opinion that this is what happens T. Ein‑Dor, G. Hirschberger. Sexual healing: Daily diary evidence that sex relieves stress for men and women in satisfying relationships / Journal of Social and Personal Relationships Because men's sexual desire is more driven by internal factors such as physical arousal, whereas women are more sensitive to interpersonal interactions. In addition, in the absence of emotional support, men in an unhappy union may perceive physical intimacy as the only way to get rid of tension.
In one experiment, they even noticed G. E. Birnbaum, M. Mikulincer, M. Austerlitz. A fiery conflict: Attachment orientations and the effects of relational conflict on sexual motivation / Personal Relationship that after a conflict, they tend to see their partners more attractive. But it doesn't work for women. And if one partner craves sex, and the other agrees only because he wants to avoid escalation or hopes to make peace in this way, nothing good will come of it.
If one of the partners is forced to have sex after a quarrel, but there is actually no desire, then it is definitely not necessary to do this. Sex in which there is no active consent of both is considered violence that traumatizes the psyche of the partner.
Here are some tips on how to make sex after a quarrel safe for the psyche of both partners and the relationship as a whole.
If the quarrels are based on jealousy, the suspicious partner may use intimacy as a way to confirm that he is loved and appreciated. This has nothing to do with a healthy relationship.
Sex should not be a way of expressing negative feelings and destructive manipulations. If such a motivation arises, it is worth asking yourself the question: do I have other motives for having sex with a partner in which there is joint pleasure? If not, it is better to contact a sexologist or a family therapist to solve these difficulties.
Many people like D. Herbenick, T. Fu, D. S. Valdivia. What Is Rough Sex, Who Does It, and Who Likes It? Findings from a Probability Sample of U. S. Undergraduate Students / Archives of Sexual Behavior rough sex, and it's absolutely fine. But only if it happens by mutual desire.
This means that the partner gives active consent — right now he says that he wants to be spanked, strangled and used other rude practices. Silence or similar positive experiences in the past do not count.
If a person shows rudeness in order to punish a partner, and does so without his active consent, this is violence. With all the devastating consequences for the human psyche and relationships in general.
After sex, the significance of the conflict may seem less. This is due to a pleasant joint experience in which emotionality overrides previous experiences, as well as the production of oxytocin, which disposes to the acceptance of a partner.
But in the long run, this may not be the most profitable strategy. If the conflict has not been resolved and one of the partners feels that his boundaries are still being violated, after a while this can lead to a second quarrel.
It's best to take the time to discuss your relationship and what leads to conflicts. It is not necessary to do this immediately after reconciling sex — it is better to talk in a neutral environment. Any conflicts should be discussed in a calm state.
And after sex, it's best to share your feelings with each other and find out what your loved one liked, so that they can enjoy it together again.
