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About Everything Wiki » Sexology » What is a sex diary and why keep it

What is a sex diary and why keep it

21 Jan 2024, 00:01, parser
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What is a sex diary

A sex diary is a record of your impressions of intimacy, memorable moments, fantasies and preferences.

It is not necessary to specify the names of the partners and mark the time of sexual intercourse, although no one forbids doing this.

Why keep a sex diary

A sex diary is needed to gain awareness. On its pages, you will be able to evaluate the experience you have gained during intimacy and use this knowledge to improve your sex life.

Below we list a few reasons to try keeping a sex diary.

Reflect on your experience in a calm environment

During sex, you are in thrall to sensual sensations, emotions dull your mind, and your partner's desires can affect your own.

A sex diary gives you space for reflection. In a calm environment, you can analyze all aspects of your experience: what you liked, what was unpleasant, what you agreed to only because your partner wanted it.

You will be able to put on paper even those thoughts that you would never share with your loved ones. And the opportunity to throw out unpleasant experiences somewhere has a good effect J. W. Pennebaker, J. Kiecolt‑Glaser, R. Glaser. Disclosure of Traumas and Immune Function: Health Implications for Psychotherapy / Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology on the mood and condition of people.

Learn more about your sexuality

With the help of a diary, you can explore what feelings and emotions sex causes you, why you do it and what you want from it.

It would seem that intimacy should occur with the full consent of both parties and serve as a source of pleasure for partners. At the same time, many people agree to sex only because their partner wanted intimacy and they are embarrassed to refuse. Or because it seems to need to be done.

Besides, sex is not always used just as a way to have fun. For example, through sexual intercourse, people can assert themselves, try to keep their partner close to them, or even punish them.

By recording what you experienced before, during and after intercourse, you will be able to notice your sexual habits. When you especially want sex — after a personal victory or when you need comfort, after a quarrel or in moments of special intimacy. Does stress, the phase of the menstrual cycle, and the mood of your partner affect your libido?

In addition to motivation, you will also be able to determine which kind of intimacy gives you the most pleasure and brings a sense of satisfaction.

Take a step towards talking about sex

Not all people are willing to openly discuss sex with a partner. Especially what I didn't like. People are afraid to offend a loved one and act to the detriment of their comfort and pleasure.

But without discussing the desires and needs of each participant, sex can soon lose its charm and become routine or even unpleasant for both partners.

If you are embarrassed to talk about such topics, start with a diary. First of all, it will help you formulate your thoughts more clearly. On paper, you can turn an obscure "I didn't like it" or "it was great" into a specific enumeration of the pros and cons.

Writing your thoughts will help you overcome the silence. Once you talk about sex, at least in text format, you are more likely to decide to talk about it with your partner. Moreover, now you will know exactly what you like and what you don't like, and you will be able to explain it.

How to keep a sex diary

There is no one right way to keep intimate notes. You can write whatever you want there.

We'll list a few ideas for those who don't know where to start.

Use questions

It's good to start by having a few questions in mind:

  1. What did I like the most?
  2. Did the partner do something that violated my comfort zone or was on the very edge of it?
  3. What did I miss? What else would I like to do or experience?
  4. Was there a moment when a partner did or said something that increased arousal?
  5. Was there something that seemed inappropriate that caused irritation?

Describe your dreams and fantasies

The diary is not limited to impressions of real sex with another person. You can also write about masturbation, fantasies, and erotic dreams. All this can tell you how to bring more variety and pleasure to your sex life.

Just do not take all fantasies as an unambiguous guide to action. In exciting dreams, people can imagine sexual violence or, being heterosexual, contacts with partners of their own sex. At the same time, they do not seek to embody their fantasies in real life, and this is normal.

Yes, if you often think about something, you might actually like it. Or maybe not. After all, in fantasies we do not create a complete picture of what is happening, with emotions, sensations, tastes and smells. There are only certain features that are exciting for some reason.

So feel free to describe your fantasies, but remember that you do not have to embody them.

Create a sex menu

Any dish, even the most delicious and beautiful, gets boring over time. The same can be said about sex.

If you always practice it in the same place, follow a certain procedure and use the same poses, over time, interest in the lesson will fade.

To add variety, try to make a sex menu in your diary for the next time.

The standard aperitif includes kissing, oral sex and light touching. The main course is vaginal or anal sex, and for dessert there are hugs and conversations.

But you can swap it all out or throw it out of your menu by adding new dishes.

It will be even more interesting if your partner participates in the compilation. Each of you will write your own menu, and then you can compare your preferences and choose the appropriate one or try all the options in turn.

Draw a body map

In addition to the genitals, a person has many more erogenous places, touching which can excite and even bring to orgasm. Scientists have calculated that such zones occupy L. Maister, A. Fotopoulou, O. Turnbull. The Erogenous Mirror: Intersubjective and Multisensory Maps of Sexual Arousal in Men and Women / Archives of Sexual Behavior up to 26% of the body surface.

Making a body map will help you better explore your partner, and it can also serve as a prelude to sex — or remain a pleasant erotic exploration without any continuation.

Draw a human body in your diary. Then touch your partner in different places. You can stimulate it with your hands, lips and tongue, a feather, a vibrator or other object, do it easily and gently or more intensely and roughly. You can start with your feet and toes and move higher. When you walk along the front of the body, turn your partner over on his stomach and start over.

If you want to sharpen the sensations, blindfold your partner. You can also agree on a verbal reaction. Or ban verbal comments, focusing only on body movements and breathing.

Mark the reactions and leave notes on the map about the effects of stimulation. At the end of the study, you can show the notes to your partner and check if you have interpreted everything correctly.

Support yourself

If you feel guilty after sex or regret that you weren't good enough, write about it in your diary. Just do not evaluate yourself on a fictional scale and even more so lash out with reproaches.

Problems with an erection or reaching orgasm, the difference in libido among partners, complaints about their body — none of this is a reason to blame yourself for failure or "try better" so that everything turns out "as it should".

Quite the opposite. If a person experiences during intimacy how he looks, smells and moves, controls his every action and thinks about whether his partner likes him, this turns sex into an exam or a test, kills spontaneity, fun and pleasure.

Describe your emotions, both positive and negative, but do not rate them. Make a habit of supporting yourself. If this is unusual for you, imagine that you are communicating with your best friend who complained about problems in bed.

If sex notes only bring you grief, try contacting a sexologist. Bring a diary with you — it will be useful to describe your problem and give specific examples.

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