Imagine a situation: a friend writes to you and asks you to help him with moving on Saturday. You already have plans, and you don't really want to strain your back by lifting the sofa to the fifth floor without an elevator. For most people, the problem is solved with a simple message: "Sorry, I'm busy on Saturday." But if you are used to pleasing others and putting other people's needs and feelings above your own, such requests can plunge you into a real emotional quagmire.
The desire to satisfy the needs of others is considered good and is often encouraged. But it can turn into difficulties with marking boundaries, burnout and deterioration of self-esteem. In this case, it will be useful to turn to proven methods that will help get rid of this habit and the subconscious emotional problems that lead to it. For example, the DIME technique, a dialectical behavioral therapy tool that allows you to calmly ask for what you need and confidently say "no" to what you are not ready to do.
This is a series of questions that can only be answered with "yes" or "no". Its name in English is formed by the first letters of words and expressions denoting different stages:
The DIME technique helps you understand exactly what you want in case of a specific request or conflict. It not only answers the question of whether to ask other people for something or to satisfy their requests, but also teaches them to approach the conversation more confidently and persistently.
Experts call the DIME technique a structured guide to action in case of a conflict of interests. This is a kind of compass that allows you to navigate ambiguous situations, express your needs as clearly as possible and quickly decide whether to reject someone's request or whether to seek help yourself. For example, when you need to borrow money from a friend or ask him to take care of you during an illness.
It all starts with defining a position: you are going to ask someone for something or reject someone's request. And then you answer "yes" or "no" to 10 questions about different aspects of the situation, based on the chosen position and formulating them accordingly. For example, if you want to contact someone with a request:
As a result, you will get a ratio of positive and negative answers that will suggest the best solution. If you speak English, you can simplify obtaining results by using the online version of the DIME technique. It will not only show the proportion of "yes" and "no", but also give small hints on how to express your position in a clear, healthy and decisive way.
It allows you to develop healthy communication skills, regulate emotions, increase stress tolerance and maintain self-respect in conflict resolution.
In addition, the DIME technique is suitable for people of all ages and conflicts of all kinds. The questions are broad enough to be useful in a variety of circumstances, but also specific enough to produce results. Answering them with "yes" or "no", we begin to become more aware of our boundaries and learn to express our needs and defend our interests in controlled circumstances before doing so in real life. For people who are used to pleasing others, this practice helps them understand what they want before they face the emotional pressure of the desires, needs and problems of others.
Another advantage of the DIME technique is that it gives you the opportunity to objectively look at the situation, show curiosity to the other person's point of view and clearly and persistently formulate your request. When satisfying other people's needs becomes a habit, it can be difficult to distract from the needs and emotions of others. By asking questions using the DIME method, you can learn how to check facts with full respect for other people's time and capabilities.
Let's go back to the example of a friend moving in. A person who is used to pleasing others can automatically agree, without thinking about what he really wants or whether he has time. The DIME technique provides a chance to turn off extraneous noise from other people's expectations and desires and listen to yourself. And understand that a friend certainly has the right to ask for help, but he himself has not helped in any way lately, which means that in the future you are unlikely to regret if you refuse him this time.Despite the fact that this method can be extremely useful for resolving conflicts in a variety of fields and with a variety of people, it has limitations. For example, you should not rely on him if we are talking about abusive relationships or have mental health problems that go beyond the desire to please others. In such circumstances, it is best to consult a psychologist.
At the same time, the DIME technique is not the only way to get rid of the unhealthy desire to please everyone. You can develop communication skills using other methods, practice mindfulness and self-compassion, and rehearse situations in advance according to roles that can lead to conflict or anxiety. Such exercises will teach you to set boundaries, talk about your needs and eventually eliminate the desire to please others.
