Books about love, romantic comedies and glossy articles make us believe that everyone around us dreams of a relationship, because falling in love and being close to a loved one is a delightful experience. But there are people who, on the contrary, avoid relationships, and if they still find a couple, behave distantly, do not share their experiences, sometimes they do not even allow themselves to be touched. All these may be signs of counter-dependence.
Lifehacker has already talked about codependency — a kind of pathology of relationships, because of which a person makes a partner the center of his universe. Counter—dependency is the reverse state. Because of her, people avoid intimacy. Here's how it can manifest itself:
Sometimes a counter-dependent person behaves this way even at the initial stage of a relationship, and sometimes problems appear when moving to a deeper level of interaction. Moreover, the point after which the connection causes discomfort, everyone has their own, for example, the first sex, acquaintance with the partner's parents, the appointment of a wedding date.
A couple of years ago I met a young man, let's call him Misha. At first everything was fine, we went somewhere together, spent time. But as soon as I hinted that it would be nice for us to move in together, Misha changed right in his face. He reacted as if I had said something terrible, and for the next couple of weeks we didn't see each other and hardly talked: sometimes he's busy, sometimes he didn't hear the phone.
Then everything got better for a while, but as soon as I started careful conversations about renting an apartment together, it closed. And I also really didn't like to talk about my family, about my childhood. It seemed to me that either he didn't trust me, or something terrible had happened to him. Or maybe I'm doing something wrong.
Once I corresponded in social networks with Misha's sister. She mentioned that he was always so closed, pushing people away — both friends and girls. And even went to a psychologist, but very briefly.
I tried to talk to Misha on this topic, to show that I am not his enemy, I love him, I want to be with him. But he avoided these conversations. As a result, the relationship ended: I wanted to give back and develop, but there were none.
"Counter-dependency" is not the only term that is used to describe such behavior. It became widespread thanks to the work of psychologists Berry and Janey Weinhold, and before that, such a condition was called attachment trauma.
It may seem that some of these symptoms fit perfectly into the normal behavior of a self-sufficient person. Yes, he retains autonomy, does not give up his interests and affairs, does not allow himself to be controlled, does not dissolve into a partner and does not sacrifice his life for him. The question is, what's wrong with that?
But psychologists believe Signs of counter-dependency / Psychology Today that there are still differences between a self-sufficient person and a counter-dependent:
If you look at the origins of this behavior, when a partner runs away as soon as the distance between you is reduced, then we are talking about the trauma of attachment.
This is a child who was not given enough love in childhood. Why didn't you give enough? Maybe the parents were too busy with themselves, sorting out relationships, work, were sick or liked to drink. There was no one to support, protect, help to survive unpleasant events. There was an impression that the world is dangerous and unpredictable and — what is most terrible — parents are also unpredictable people. So intimacy is dangerous. This is such a childish, but very strong conclusion that leaves an imprint for the rest of your life and forms a behavior scenario.
Growing up, such a person wants warmth and love, but at the same time is afraid of them. Sometimes he can't even explain why and what is happening to him. This is an unconscious process, and it is often somatized. For example, a person is going on a date, and then his stomach got caught.
Partners of counter-dependent people often take everything personally. They are sure that something is wrong with them, they are worried, they are trying to "improve". Or, on the contrary, they think that they are dealing with a manipulator who deliberately plays with their feelings. But it is important to understand: unlike the latter, a counter-dependent person does not try to control a partner, does not seek to hit him more painfully and enjoy his suffering. He himself is having a hard time in this situation, because he feels lonely and wants to build a relationship, but he can't.
In order to preserve the relationship, the partner of such a person will have to finish and do what his parents did not do and did not give at the time. This is such a maternal function: to accept, support, care, praise. To create a fertile soil in place of a spiritual wound, on which roses will bloom one day.
So, most likely, when the roses bloom, the healed partner will separate from you. Just as he would have been separated from his parents in the normal version of his development. Because if in a relationship your function is not "partner", "lover", "friend", but "parent", then they will develop the way relationships with parents develop.
I must say that a psychologically whole person is unlikely to pay attention to a partner who avoids intimacy. As a rule, such people attract those who choose distant partners (this is an emotionally or physically distant parent in the anamnesis). And together they create such a tandem, where one runs away all the time, and the other catches up. It is important for one to be loved, and it is important for the second to love himself. Such an idea about the magical power of love, with which you can save another from suffering.
Have you ever been in a relationship with such people? Or maybe they recognized themselves in the description? Tell us in the comments.
