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About Everything Wiki » Relationships » Where does the hatred for the ex-partner come from and what to do with it

Where does the hatred for the ex-partner come from and what to do with it

06 Jun 2023, 00:00, parser
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Let's be honest. We often can't stand our partner's ex-lovers, even if we've never met them in person. Ex—boyfriends and girlfriends can be the sweetest and kindest people in the world - it doesn't matter. We don't like them for nothing, and not because facts or intuition tell us that we can expect a trick from them. And although we take this hatred for granted, it turns out that there are reasons for it.

Why we hate ex-partners

When you have no obvious reasons to hate your partner's exes, but you do it anyway, it can happen for three main reasons.

Self-doubt

If you lack confidence, it may seem as if all the exes are perfect. Kind, smart, attractive, in a word — perfect. Therefore, you not only start constantly comparing yourself with them, but also consider them a threat to your relationship and wonder why your partner chose you and whether he loves you at all.

Rivalry

Trying to demonstrate your superiority over the "ideal" exes, you can do something that is unusual for you. And as a result, you hate them even more, because it is because of them that you have a need to constantly prove your coolness. In fact, a "third extra" appears in the relationship, which can not be thrown out of my head in any way.

Jealousy

If you do not perceive the current relationship as reliable and safe, then you begin to be jealous of your partner, stop trusting him and transfer your feelings to his exes. Instead of looking at the situation dispassionately, analyzing what exactly is the trigger for jealousy, and talking to your partner, you blame other people for all the problems. And that's why you hate them even more.

How to deal with Hate

One of the main responsibilities in a relationship is to throw a kind of "bridge" between your former and current partner. To do this, it is important to talk as honestly and openly as possible about past relationships. The less we know about a person, the more we think and force, drawing his image in our imagination. And the version that we come up with ourselves or that our partner comes up with for us may well deserve hatred.

To sort out your thoughts and emotions and understand how well your ideas about your ex-partner are justified, ask yourself a few questions:

  • What exactly makes you worry?
  • Are your experiences rational?
  • What is the root of the problem?
  • To what extent does the image of the former correspond to reality and are you distorting it for the worse?

Talk to your loved one about your emotions and what causes them. If he adds fuel to the fire himself, constantly comparing you with exes or remembering past relationships, set boundaries. Relying, for example, on such statements:

  • "I don't want you to compare me to your ex-girlfriend."
  • "I'm uncomfortable when you share memories of past relationships."
  • "I'd rather not go where your ex-boyfriend will be."

If the problem is your lack of self—confidence or a sense of competition, remember that criticizing another person and trying to "rise up" at his expense is an unhealthy defensive reaction. It is better to focus on your inner world, deal with your own self-esteem and self-esteem. You can even turn to a psychologist to find a balance and feel safe in a relationship.

Hating your partner's exes for no reason is unproductive and harmful. And not only for your relationship, but also for your mental health. You can not judge strangers solely because of the status of "exes" or unflattering words of a partner in their address. Hatred never leads to anything good, especially if it is based on self-doubt, rivalry or jealousy. And this destructive feeling is definitely not worth spending your energy on.

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03 May 2023, 13:08    0    0
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