5 "tongues of anger" that prevent you from getting closer to your partner

Gary Chapman's book "Five languages of love " became a real bestseller. It is often studied by couples who want to find the secret of eternal happiness. The main idea of the author is that everyone in a relationship has their own basic way of expressing feelings and that partners need to show will and learn to communicate "in the language of love" with each other in order to find harmony.

Indeed, many couples in love often suffer precisely because they speak different "languages". Knowing about the desires and needs of another person is important for a relationship. However, as with the study of any foreign language, it is not possible to establish communication immediately. The problem may be that the partner's "language of love" is sometimes drowned out by the "language of anger" — angry tirades, harsh statements and outraged cries that turn into a cacophony of pain and rejection.

What are the "tongues of anger"

The author of the idea, psychologist and writer Mike Verano identifies five types:

1. Righteous: "The truth is on my side, but you're wrong." People who choose this language are driven by a sense of superiority, and any conflict with them quickly turns into an enumeration of all the partner's past mistakes and transgressions.
2. Outraged: "How can you?" Often this phrase is pronounced with some bewilderment, designed to soften it, but the subtext is always the same — the "victim" did not deserve such treatment. This is a classic "arrow translation" scheme that forces both sides to defend themselves.
3. Demanding retribution: "You will pay for everything!" People who use this language never forget or forgive anything and follow the "eye for an eye" rule. Moreover, they can be inactive for a long time, because "revenge is a dish that is served cold."
4. Distracting: "What about a situation where...?" Speakers of this language skillfully switch the attention of the interlocutor in order to avoid responsibility for their words and actions and force him to defend himself. It's like sneaking a cookie out of someone else's box and then getting angry that it's stale.
5. Justifying: "You deserve it." People who choose this language usually remind of karma, but also give it a powerful boost themselves, acting as a judge and jury.

"Tongues of anger" are often combined and can easily lead to real anger. And although it is usually easier to recognize and understand them than the "languages of love", we try to ignore and avoid them. The reason is that at the heart of every "language of anger" is fear. Fear of being wrong, fear of being used in someone else's interests, fear of losing control, finding out the truth or appearing weak.

What to do with the "tongues of anger" in a relationship

Gary Chapman's advice to first learn the "language of love" of a partner ignores ancient wisdom "Get to know yourself " and a more recent idea that it is important to start changes with yourself. Very often we carefully study the personality of another person, but we do not understand our own needs, interests and motives at all.

Of course, it is better to study your "language of anger" with a professional psychologist. It often happens that depression and anxiety are hidden under the mask of anger. But there are several steps that you can do yourself:

• Give the relationship priority. In his book " You can't put up with swearing" family psychologist David Burns notes that one of the main problems with conflicts in a couple is not difficulties in communication, but lack of care about the partner and about the relationship when they move to the second, fifth or tenth place in your life.
• Learn to let go. Over time, this attitude has acquired a shade of pseudo-Buddhist practice, which people follow because they have to, and not because they know how to do it. But there is a power in it that helps to get rid of unnecessary emotional baggage. In many cases, the problem lies precisely in the habit of constantly returning to the same quarrels, not allowing yourself to let them go.
• Be ready to forgive. Disgust, resentment and resentment are poison that we consciously take in the hope of "poisoning" someone else. The ability to forgive really heals.

At first glance, it may seem that all these steps require serious effort and work on yourself. All right. But this is nothing compared to the amount of energy and mental strength you spend to keep anger under control and not explode.