According to the observations of Tavvab, many of those who have "everything is difficult" with their relatives want to find a way to keep them in their lives. At the same time, she emphasizes: one should not hope that a loved one will realize everything himself and change. Instead, you should try different approaches and tactics and observe how they affect the situation.
Of course, if communication becomes too exhausting and unsafe, it's time to cut off any ties. But before you take such a serious step, Tavvab offers to answer six questions.
This is a question not only of physical, but also of emotional and psychological security. Think about whether you would entrust your child to this family member? Would he be a good example? Have you noticed signs of abuse in your relationship?
Security is one of the most important factors to consider.
Physical violence is the most compelling reason to cut off all contacts if you want and can do it. Tavvab also highlights less obvious examples of abuse: unpleasant nicknames, derogatory comments, threats, constant "playing silent", ignoring or ridiculing your feelings.
In addition, if a relative has problems with the use of psychoactive substances, because of which he often breaks down, behaves inappropriately or brings dangerous people home, this is a serious reason to think. When you feel that a family member poses a threat to you, your partner, children or pets, you have every right to immediately cut off all contacts.
If the situations described above are familiar to you, you can stop communicating forever or move away for a while until you find a suitable way to protect yourself and determine the frequency of meetings that is comfortable for you. According to Tavvab, healthy boundaries give a sense of calm, even if the other person does not change.
Imagine that you are talking about unpleasant moments of childhood, and a brother or sister interrupts and tells you or, even worse, your family members that you are lying and this has never happened. This is toxic behavior. And if he or she interrupts you in the middle of a word, simply because he does not know how to listen , and in general "it's my turn to speak", this is a common manifestation of selfishness. Such behavior is certainly annoying, and it needs to be discussed with a loved one, but it is not necessarily toxic.
The ability to cope with the disgusting character traits of other people is part of life. Those whom we truly love sometimes drive us out of ourselves. Try to talk honestly with a loved one and tell them about what hurts you. And if that doesn't help, think about how often you are willing to see him and tolerate his non-toxic, but extremely annoying manners.
People who have been present in your life since the moment you (or they) were born, I can be sure that they understand you like no one else. Sometimes it's nice. For example, when your grandmother supports your creative endeavors and her faith gives you strength. However, in a family with dysfunctional dynamics, such confidence makes you feel as if you are suffocating.
Perhaps a brother or sister loves to share with all the embarrassing stories from your childhood. Or mom reminds you of your weight, even when you just look towards the cake. Or your sister-in-law thinks that she can at any time ask you to work as a nanny for free and leave you her child just because you are single and you don't have your own children. No matter what situation you find yourself in, if you notice a recurring pattern of behavior that you want to stop, you need to talk about it.
When we let another person understand how his behavior affects us, we give him a chance to change.
The main thing is to remember that you can only control your part of the dialogue. In order for it to be successful, the relative must be ready to listen to you, admit that he is wrong and decide to change something. Unfortunately, in dysfunctional families, people usually don't even want to hear about other people's experiences, let alone change. Therefore, be prepared for the fact that a relative will try to hush up the topic or turn the arrows on you.
No matter how much we want to, we cannot change someone who refuses to at least try to become better. If you have already started a conversation several times about what is bothering you, but the other person does not react in any way — this is a signal that it's time to change tactics. For example, to lower your expectations from communication or to define clearer boundaries.According to Tavvab, we often believe that parents are obliged to give us love and attention, because they play a special role in our lives. However, many people do not know how to be attentive and sensitive not only to others, but also to themselves. So it's not about you at all, it's about them. Perhaps your relative himself did not receive enough love in childhood or suffers from addiction and mental health problems.
If you have already admitted to yourself that a loved one is not able to give you what you want — stability, kind words, adequate communication, but still continue to feel disappointed, this may be an argument in favor of the fact that it's time to move away from him.
Let's say your whole family gathers on Sundays for dinner and after it you are constantly overcome with anger and sadness. No matter how much your aunt or your brother tries to make you feel guilty and force you to continue going to meetings, you have every reason to decide for yourself how many such dinners you are willing to attend — one per month or one per year. So you will outline the framework for protecting your mental well-being.
Tavvab is sure that there are many ways to shorten communication without interrupting it completely. Sometimes we think that relationships should be close, just because they are family. But there are relatives whom we regularly and constantly can't stand, and sometimes we can. It remains only to determine the measure of this "sometimes".
There are several ways to detach and save contacts:
Cutting off all contact with a relative or not is a very personal decision. If you have tried all the tactics described above and feel that your patience has reached its limit, breaking up a relationship may seem like an inevitable step.
However, if you are constantly haunted by thoughts about what will happen if something happens to a loved one tomorrow, or the guilt inside you is stronger than the desire to protect your own feelings, this may be a sign that you are not ready yet.
We are definitely ripe to end communication when, after a thorough analysis of all the factors, we remain confident that this person has no place in our life.
Sometimes the separation from the family may not last long, and after a pause it is even possible to re-establish relations. However, this happens only if everyone does painstaking internal work. It is very important to keep realistic expectations and have a clear plan of action for unpleasant situations in the future. And the most important thing is to be honest about the reasons why you decided to end the communication.
A psychologist will help to carry out internal work, restore relationships or, conversely, accept the final rupture of family ties and understand how to avoid a repeat of a dysfunctional scenario outside the family.
Despite the fact that there are universal reasons to stop communicating, for example physical violence or gaslighting, everyone determines what is considered the most valid, "correct" reason and when exactly it is necessary to break family ties. What seems dangerous to one does not bother the other at all. Therefore, do not look back at others and do what is best for you.
