The habit of comparing yourself to others can really ruin your life. Watching someone achieve better results than you is not very pleasant.
However, with the right approach, envy allows you to recognize your true values. Here are some ways to help turn this feeling into positive action.
Twenty years ago, while waiting for coffee to brew, a young lawyer was flipping through a magazine for graduates of her school. When she read about a guy working as a full-time writer, her stomach turned sharply. This is what made Gretchen Rubin, who is now the author of several bestsellers, start a career as a writer. Rubin didn't change jobs because of a conversation with her boss or a visit to a coach. It was because she was desperately jealous of another person's life.
Comparing with others can point the way to your present needs. This happens at times when you are jealous of someone who does something that you do not allow yourself. Reflection will help turn a negative feeling into something useful. So when envy wakes up in you again, ask yourself:
Psychologists distinguish between "kind" envy, when we admire someone and try to imitate that person, and "evil" envy, when we openly dislike someone because he has something that we do not have. This is how this difference manifests itself: "He has his own beautiful apartment, it's very cool!" and "It pisses me off that he has a beautiful apartment, and I want him to suffer."
It is worth clarifying that any envy is painful. However, her "kind" version forces us to work on ourselves and become better, and the "evil" one simply turns us into unpleasant personalities.
We often feel "evil" envy when we cannot achieve the result that another has achieved. But in most cases, the successes of one person are proof that such a triumph is possible in principle. To switch your mindset from "evil" envy to "good" envy, try repeating these phrases:
When important personal events happen to your loved ones, it's easy to feel like you're lagging behind in the race of life. But if you remember 10-20 of your friends, you will realize that many of them are at the same stage as you, and even quite happy.
The researchers conducted an experiment L. Fosslien, M. W. Duffy. Big Feelings: How to Be Okay When Things Are Not Okay , where they asked people to rate their ability to run. It turned out that the participants compared themselves with the best runners they knew, so they did not consider their skills particularly outstanding. The researchers also asked people to make a list of the top 10 runners among their acquaintances. By the seventh or ninth position of such a top, the participants in the experiment suddenly felt much better. Comparing oneself to a wider group of people reduced the gap between participants and those they considered good enough, and helped to believe in one's own strength.
In addition, expanding perspectives is also useful when we are intolerant of deprivation, that is, we do not get what we want and plunge into the abyss of despair. The next time you start envying something that you don't have, replace the question "Why don't I have it?" with "Do I have enough?". Most likely, you can easily live without what you want, and its absence in your life does not affect your value as a person in any way.
A couple of years ago, Liz found out that her friend had been promoted and that he would now lead a team of 200 people. Liz was overcome with envy. "Does this mean that I need to change my plans?" She wondered. "Maybe I was wrong when I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted?" However, the next morning Liz woke up with the certainty that she would not want to be in the place of her friend. She was not close to the tasks that bosses deal with every day. She just craved the prestige and public recognition that come with great achievements.
As soon as Liz thought about the daily routine of an acquaintance, she realized that she did not want to change her career at all. But in fact, she needs to continue on her current path and look for opportunities to become more visible among colleagues.
Here are some questions that will help you effectively compare yourself with others:
You may not be where you want to be right now. But it's not where it used to be, is it? Stop and evaluate your achievements and the skills you have gained thanks to them. This will allow you to awaken a sense of pride in yourself and get rid of "evil" envy. Here is a small example.
Eliza has always loved the mountains, but avoided hiking because of asthma, which did not allow her to be as mobile as her peers. When Eliza was well into her twenties, she still decided.
"I will never be able to walk as fast as others because I have a small lung volume. The only person I can and should compare myself to is myself." Eliza's perseverance and her new perspective on the situation paid off: shortly before her 30th birthday, she completed a five‑day hike.
The easiest way to make a comparison with yourself a habit is to reflect on such questions every month:
Yes, it's impossible to stop comparing yourself to others. But by putting into practice some of the tips from the article, you can learn how to use this comparison to your advantage. Remember that you are only seeing the tip of the iceberg, especially on social media. A person whose life looks perfect can overcome challenges that you don't even know about.
And one more piece of advice: compare yourself not only with those who have achieved more, but also with those who are much less fortunate.
