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In any comedy, there is always a good-natured person whom no one appreciates. His boss is as good as Miranda from The Devil Wears Prada, and his brother is worse than Scar from The Lion King. When you look at the life of such a glorious character, you begin to understand that sometimes kindness is a direct path to problems.
We are taught from childhood to be kind and sweet. At the age of 3, when we still do not understand that it is impolite to take toys from other children, parents tell us: "Behave yourself." But now 20 years have passed, and we understand that being good is not the best tactic. Have you at least once in your life done something not of your own volition, but simply because you didn't want to let someone down or were worried about what others would think? That's where the trouble starts.
It is worth saying right away that kindness is a wonderful quality, it has a huge number of advantages. But there is another side.
For example, studies show Research shows men get ahead for being “disagreeable” in the workplace; women don’t / University of Notre Dame that more compliant men earn much less. The situation is different for women: no matter how nice and compliant they are, their salary is about 14% less than that of male colleagues.
In addition, excessive benevolence can lead to burnout and significantly reduce productivity.
But don't worry — you won't have to give up kindness altogether. You just need to learn how to control it and figure out how it affects your life.
You probably know a person who works hard on his career, but he is still never considered as a candidate for a higher position. His door is always open for others, he is used to helping and giving a shoulder, even when he is very busy. It would seem that these are excellent qualities. If not for the reverse side of the coin.
Such a person is not perceived as persistent. He seems content and happy in his place, which is why he is so rarely offered to move to another department or become a manager.
From this follows the first part of the advice — to develop leadership qualities. Think about who you think is really cool and what makes this person so cool. Perhaps he is active, purposeful or incredibly strong in spirit. Observe his manners, communication style and work and try to bring his techniques into your life. Such a strategy may seem like dumb copying. But remember that this is just a plan for internal use, which you don't have to tell anyone about.
The second part is to determine who is living the life you have always wanted and how these people have achieved everything. Adapt for yourself the routine and habits that will bring you closer to the goal. Gradually, you will become much more persistent and confident in yourself.
Many people believe that it is impossible to get everything you want in life. This thought pushes us to accept less with humility, because nothing can be changed anyway. Another obstacle in our way is the desire to be kind to everyone. We do not express our opinion or even forget about it in order to keep the peace at work or at home.
However, if you are worried about your excessive benevolence, which does not allow you to get what you want, you do not need to go to the other extreme and start kicking puppies, being rude to others and tripping everyone up. Instead, you need to do one or more of the following steps:
If it's difficult for you to stand out and express your opinion, look at the problem from a different angle. Ask yourself: "If I don't speak out now, what state of affairs will I agree with?" Analyze what and how your kindness hinders you. Perhaps you are the only one dragging out life in the family, and the rest treat you as a servant. Or at work, all the tasks are always pushed to you. Find ways to resist this, for example, make a schedule for doing household chores or discuss the workload with the boss.
If you want to learn how to say "no", work with your communication style and come up with formulations that will make it easier for you to refuse others. Step by step, you will be able to develop this important skill. Remember that sometimes each of us has to make unpopular decisions. It gives no one pleasure, but it is necessary.
Do you know at least one person in whose life everything is perfect: perfect appearance, perfect home, perfect job, perfect relationship? The truth is simple — no one's life is perfect.
It is important to remember that we are all the same. Everyone has a heart and a brain, we all need food and water and go to the toilet. Try to focus on the similarities with others, not on the differences. This will remind you that the ideal is just an impracticable concept that does not have to be followed at all.
People who are trying their best to seem perfect have their own difficulties. Most often they say the phrases "I can't let others see this" or "I will never leave the house like this." The main problem of such perfectionists is the unwillingness to accept reality. High standards and the desire to meet other people's requirements exhaust them physically and emotionally.
This often happens, for example, with young parents. They try to take care of everyone around them, and they themselves suffer from a lack of attention. They do not have time to fulfill their desires, besides, they constantly feel tired.
If you find yourself in a similar situation, draw clear boundaries between kindness towards others and self-care and analyze the negative attitudes that your brain generates. Ask yourself: "If I declare my desires now, will I be selfish or just take care of myself?"
Reconsider the way you talk to yourself, and exclude from your vocabulary all the words that prevent you from defending your interests and moving forward. And don't forget about brain chemistry, which will help you become happier and enjoy life more.
